INT. MILWAUKEE DEPARTMENT STORE - SANTA'S WORKSHOP - NIGHT
A large Teddy bear sits under a Christmas tree.
Suddenly -— it moves, bolting upright and sprinting from the room.
INT. MILWAUKEE DEPARTMENT STORE - DOWNSTAIRS - NIGHT
The alarm continues to count down -- 15... 14...
The Teddy bear slides down the space between the railing of the escalators. Landing on its feet, it barrels toward the door.
The Teddy bear scrambles for the door, crashing into everything in its path.
Running past a clothing display, it rips the arm off a mannequin without breaking stride.
It skids to a stop at the base of the alarm box, too short to reach the controls.
It raises the mannequin arm, using the pointed finger on its hand to press the "CANCEL" key on the keypad. Mission accomplished, the teddy bear rips off its head to reveal his true identity: Santa's Elf -- in civilian life known as MARCUS SKIDMORE. He is covered in sweat and panting like an asthmatic.
INT. MILWAUKEE DEPARTMENT STORE - SHIPPING AREA - NIGHT
A hasp flips open and Marcus swings the door wide to reveal a beer-guzzling Santa-in-the-off-season known as WILLIE T. SOKE. He finishes the beer, crushes the can and drops it to his feet next to eight more empties.
Ready. Marcus sneers at him as he lumbers past:
One of the dirtiest and funniest Christmas movies of all time… written by auteurs Ethan and Joel Cohen. Any guesses?